I dont have a name for this poem and it is long, but bear with me, please

~Nameless poem?~
I am emotionally scarred
I've been betrayed
Lost
Hurt
Emotionally unavailable
But slowly, slowly become emotionally able
to become emotionally available
letting go is difficult
it means letting people in
it means getting hurt
and broken
and burned
and scarred
and betrayed
It means experiencing new things
experiencing scary new things
And I'm not ready to let go
Let go of what's safe
Let go of what I know
I'm not ready
There's a part of me I keep locked down
There are 3 stages:
Emotionally
Mentally
And physically.
Physically able/ready is easy
It happens without our permission
Mentally is understanding and knowing the consequences
Emotionally,
now that is a tough one
its letting in
taking chances
its fear
and love
and faith
and courage
and you
you as person
all around
inside and out
You as you and just you
Emotionally is risky and dirty business
It's not easy, actually its far from it
I am emotionally broken
Scarred
Burned
Ripped
Toren
Emotionally diseased
That's what I am
I am terrified.
I do carve my own path, but only in what doesn't scare me
My path doesn't include most people
My path is safe
However, I will occasionally bump into people
And some, I keep with me
But most, most are just gone
and not worth it
there is too much at risk
I don't just meet people
I put all of me in it
All of who I am
Not just a tiny part of me
But all of me
I can't just give half of me
I don't function that way
It's all or nothing
I'll be loyal and mean (sometimes)
My morals, my values, my past, my future, my history
All of it is apart of me
and makes me me
And I put it forward, everday
I'm skittish and terrified
I'm hurt
NO!
I am constantly hurting,
constantly trying to ignore the pain and
make the best of every situation.
I can't let go
Not yet
I am too scared
Too tired of being hurt
Burned
Toren
Ripped
Broken
I shelter myself from the world
Is this bad?
Probably
But it is who I am
Accept it or don't.
I do care
I won't lie about that
It will hurt
But just understand
It is who I am
And if you can't accept me
Then what is the point?

I can't let go

I can't let go

You tell me to let go
To release it all
To not hold onto the pain
the fear
the agony
the memories
to let go of all of that
but, if i let it go
I am letting go of me
Those memories
The mistrust
the pain
the hope
the secretism
the optimism
all of that in which you want me to let go
that is me
You want me to let go
For a lil bit of physical joy
One in which I have not experienced
Because you are my first
And it scares
it is new and I don't want to go that far
With just anyone
You say you are not just anyone
But what if you are?
What if this is all just a living in the moment and not forever?
You want me to let go
But I can't let go
And you don't understand
I can't let go
I know you want me to
But I cant.
I'm sorry
I can not let go

Remember

Remember
Remember the feeling of the sun as it kisses your skin
Remember the slight breeze as it carresses you on a hot day
Remember that life is beautiful
That life is so easily taken away
Remember to worship your life
Because before long,
it's gone
and broken hearts will be left in its wake.
Remember to smile
To laugh
To love
To hope
To believe
To be childish
To dance when there is no music
To laugh when a joke isn't said
To smile when there is no reason
To hope when it feels hopeless
To believe when believing hurts
To be childish when things are taking a too serious of a turn
Remember life
Remember life isn't about who has the most money
About who has what and who doesn't
Remember that life is precious
Something meant to be held, coddled, protected and loved
Remember to stay strong
Because when the world is trying to tear you down
Only you can let it happen
Only you give them the power to tear you down
So remember that
Remember you can
You can succed
You can do whatever you put your mind to
But most importantly
Remember to never to forget the beauty
The beauty in life that is all around us
Just remember

The truth is . . .

I miss my fiance like crazy, but I am scared.
I am terrified that he is going to die.
The truth is . . .
I would rather him stay in AIT and be miles away from me
Then come home
Because
I know that when he comes home
Iraq, Iran, Arabie, Wherever
The war zone. It's waiting on him.
Calling out his name.
Seducing him.
Tightening its leash on his neck
Causing his heart to fall over
The truth is . . .
In 2012 he will be deployed
The truth is . . .
We dont know when in 2012
It could be January
It could be December
It could be July
We do not know when
The truth is . . .
I would rather him stay in AIT and be hundreds of miles away from me
I would rather have him keep the distance and be safe than have him home and be gone to war
And its not that I dont want him home
I want nothing more than that
But I am terrified of what might happen when he goes overseas
It's horrible.
I know.
But that's the truth
The closer the 15th comes
The more terrified i become
And the more
The more I'd rather keep him in Oklahoma
Not near me
But far away from war
It makes me want to cry
To ball my eyes out
To curl up in a ball and sleep for an eternity
The truth is . . .
I am terried of losing you

That the grim reaper will come claim your beautiful amazing soul
And steal you away from me, when i need you most.
The truth is . . .
Im scared of getting pregnant

Because I know you be sent away for up to two years
48 months
Deployed, sent away, whatevver, they mean the same.
You wont be with me
You'll miss his first steps
Their first words
The truth is . . .
I'd love to have your baby
Nothing would make me happier
And I know what a proud dad you would be

You would be an amazing father
So tentive
So caring, so good
This will be you-->
You will be the one rubbing my tummy
talking to our baby
If you are still here
the truth is . . .
Im terrified of what it will do to you if I do get pregnant
And then you get deployed
It will just destroy you
And I know it will kill you to be away from her
To miss everything while you are fighting to save this country
And the pathetic bad part is
My mom and dad Its okay for me to pregnant
They say that there are cameras and video tapes
To record all of his firsts
But that is not the same
It is completely different
And that's not the bad part
My parents think I'll pregnant within a year
And within this year you will be deployed
So
I guess the truth is
I am just absolutely scared
There I said it
I am scared out of my mind

And I am flying by the skin of my pants
Just barely hangin on.
Just barely here
THe truth is
I kind of want to just run away
And stop being me
THere
THat dirty secret has been said
And it is all because I am so scared
Scared of everything

And that, that is the truth
Sorry I dumped this here, it hasn't cleared my mind, but it is nice to get my fear off my chest. Thank you for listening :)

mind bogging, panic attack inducing

What kind of woman am i?
 or a ???????????

A career oriented woman, or one who follows my heart? And how do I know which I am?

Life

I found this on facebook a few weeks back, and it is absolutely correct.

Maybe in the persuit of being liked, of making money, of spending money, of paying bills, of going to class, or just all the hassle and bustle of life, I think, maye we lose sight of that goal in life, to be happy. Now, many have other goals like make a difference, or become a millionare or being a mom or dad, or to be a good older sibling, or to make enough to happy, or whatever our end goal might be. I think we lose sight of this goal: happiness.

I can openly admit, I have lost sight of this goal, many times recently. I get so preoccupied in going to work, going to class, attempting to get my homework done, in attempt to please everyone else in my life, in trying to plan the wedding, stressing about the church, of missing my fiance. All off these things stop me from trying to be happy. I get so stuck in the mud of busy, busy, busy; of work, work, work; that i dont see the rope dangling just above my head, that leads to the sunshines and destress of life.

Like tonight, I have to type 3 pages of my 6-8 page essay that was due yesterday. But, in order to maintain my sanity, I need to write this down. I need to write this down to remind myself that life is more than chores, its more than waddling in the mud and tiring myself out.

My goal in life is to be happy (well my main goal is, if i can accomplish this, i can accomplish the rest of them). And I need to remeber to laugh everyday.

By looking at photos like those that cause me to smile and laugh. I have to remember to do that, and if the only way for me to laugh is to look online, well that's pathetic, but at least it causes me to smile and laugh. Because, laughing and smiling lead to happiness.

They say that <3 love is apart of happiness and good health. I moved out of my parent's house, so maybe I dont quite feel the love as often as I do. Sometimes, I do crave human touch, or any touch (at my apartment animals are not aloud). That is appart of happiness.
Thinking of my fiance helps me to remember the love, but at the end, it really just causes pain and sadness. I miss him so much. My last month of summer was spent with him and work and that was it. It was pure perfection. If everyday could be like that, I would completely do that. But, as we all know, we must prepare for the future. And by going to college, I am trying to do that. (In reality, I just dont want to owe anyone money, so I am taking classes because I won scholarships so pay for my classes and I do not want to ruin my future potential chances at winning scholarships).
But, as i recently learned, not missing him is worse than the pain of missing him. I can't find the icon, but I read an icon that stated: Missing someone is your hearts way of reminding you, you love someone. I wish I had it, and I could post it. But somehow, I guess I've lost it. But I remember the quote and its true. That's why, even when you miss someone, you need to keep missing them, no matter how much it hurts. I have a story for that, maybe I'll tell it later.
But, yes, happiness is the key. And maybe, hopefully, I can find this happiness and keep it. Even with all the busy and work in my life, because I want to find happiness. And yes, maybe it'll be easier to have when my fiance is home and my best friend is out of jail. But right now, I have to try to find happiness before I become succumbed by the stress of it all.
I have to remember to little things in life.

• The small joys like the sunrise,
• the smile a lil kid gets when i give them a sticker,
• the fond look a parent gives their child,
• completing a homework assignment that was hard,
• getting a perfect drawr, the nice old men who go out of their way just to say hi to me,
• my favorite customers,
• the better coworkers who mean so much to me.
• and here's one special to today. One of my best most closest friend told me she missed me, that she woke up thinking about me and that i give her hope in love and everything else. When, I honestly thought this person no longer thought about me. We've been through so much together. Maybe, probably, I'll dedicate a whole post to her. She really means so much to me. I'll tell our story, and that will explain why this meant so much to me. I can't today because its 9:27pm and I have to get up at 6 tomorrow, if i attend english (i doubt i'll have the 3 pages typed, or i'll just stay up until midnight tonight getting it done. but i have to close at the store tomorrow, decisions decisions)
• or maybe the fact that i can feel and have all of my sensations in my body
• that my parents are married
• that at age 18, i am getting married to my first boyfriend whom i only met a few months ago
• that he does love me, and i know that because i told him no sex until marriage, and he never pushes me to that point, never argues it, never any of that. he respects my choice and that means a lot

Not that my life is perfect, but we all have our list of the few good things going on in our life. And, I think, at the end of the day, we all need to remember that.

Quick and easy chocolate?

So while working on homework--well contemplating on how to start my essay, about nature and nurture and substance abuse/addictions, it occured to me to try this to make melted chocolate.
One zip up bag,
two handfulls of chocolate,
two small spoonfuls of sugar
and one spoonful of butter.



A picture of the chocolate, sugar, butter bag, taken using my phone



Another picture, in my fridge, using my phone

 I put the chocolate in the zip up bag then chocolate, butter and sugar all in following that. Next it goes into the fridge while I wait for a pot to boil. That is what I am waiting on now. I don't want to put it in before hand, I am waiting for the water to boil.
  
So now Ive put it in the pot that is not boiling (i got impatient)  and wait a like 5 minutes, maybe less.

And I  take it out and squish it, careful cuz it is hot and get this


Next, I cut a small corner of it it off and I just drew on plates.

 

I used milk chocolate. Next I plan on using white chocolate to see what I can do.
The chocolate is sweet, a lil oily because of the butter, but its good. I've put them both in the freezer. In like an hour or so, I will check them and see if they come off the plates easily.

They do stay on the plates, it takes a small bit of effort to take them off but they are good. The thing is, I forgot all about tempering the chocolate. It's all grainy and stuff. Don't get me wrong it, it was-is good. I have the plates in my fridge and take one off whenever i want some chocolate. But they are far from where I want to be.
Even though I dont really want to, I have to go buy a double boiler that is made for boiling chocolate. And I also want to get some candy molds. So, it was a good and bad experiences. Far from perfect, but there is no such thing  as perfect. Imperfection is perfection.
So, good and bad.
Plus, it kinda melts the bag. I should warn whoever reads this, in case they decide to try it. That is actually the reason I pulled my bag out early. So, ehh, not bad for my first try.

Scared of Losing You

We have been together for 4 months now, but we only spent one month in each others arms. One month that caused me to fall head over heels in love with you. You are my first boyfriend, my first real kiss, my first handholder, my first real boy that actually cared about me. When we first hung out, it was just after my 18^th birthday and when the others ran ahead of us, you looked at me and said, “Tell me about yourself” and that was the beginning of what showed me how you were different. Those simple four words. Before hand, you had been dancing and showing off, and I was impressed and amazed by you. But those four little words are what pulled me in. I looked at the ground, slightly embarrassed and asked, “What is there to tell?” And you smiled at me, and I told you my favorite color and I can’t remember what else.

That night you took me on a ride of my life. I lost my keys, which were in my purse, and you had known that all along. But I didn’t believe you. I didn’t remember where they were at until, my best friend looked in my purse and pulled them out, then I realized, and remembered that they were there. I remembered putting them there. And I felt so ridiculous. Having embarrassed myself in front of you like that. Then we took my younger sister, her best friend, and your best friend out to the middle of nowhere, where we drove around all night long. You cried at the memory of your best friend who had died recently. You told stories about your friend and everything else. Then when I went home, you sent me a text, making sure I made it home safely.

The next night we hung out. Just me and you. We sat on the top of my car and talked. I told you how my first kiss was with a boy who only wanted sex, and then how he tried to get to my sister. I told you how I had never had a boyfriend, how I wasn’t the most popular in school, I told you how my first kiss was by some boy who just wanted sex, and how I believed in no sex until marriage. You told me how you were in popular in school, how you had played football. You were the prince, and I was the peasant on the streets. And yet, you took notice of me, and you were amazed, you didn’t believe me that I was unpopular and ignored at high school. It was just you and me, laying on the top of my car, talking at a park.I had work the next day and had to go home. I dropped you off then took the 30 minute drive home. That night you asked me out in a text, and I screamed in joy with my younger sister. Later on, you would tell me how you had a kid and was engaged and how you wanted to be there for him-her, and how the baby was something you wanted to support, but she, your ex fiance didn't want you in her or the babies life. In the end, she wasn't pregnant, or she was, or she had a miscarriage or it wasn't yours or something. Neither of us knew, because she was constantly changing her story.
The next few weeks flew by. My parents went from hating you to loving you. My dad threatened you, and you didn’t run away. You talked about drugs and how they were bad to my younger sister who wonders about things like that. Your parents loved me, your lil brother did. And even your younger sister who is picky and doesn’t like many people, she even loves me. My parents met yours, and they matched. Our parents so alike, in so many ways. My picky protective younger brother knew you and is glad we are together. I spent the last month of summer between hanging out with you and working. When you came over, you played with my youngest sister. My siblings loved you and they love having you around.
Wow, time has flown. Look at us now. You’re in training for the army. Working and sweating and learning how to shoot guns and how and what to do when you over in Afghanistan. And me, I’m going to college full time, taking a full load on, moved out and now planning to Au Pair in France for a year.
Right now, we write letters, and you call when you can, and sometimes, I miss your call because I am at work, or in class.

Right now, I am scared of losing you. I know you’ll be home for Christmas, but immediately afterwards you want to be sent out to war. You want to go to war, to defend this country. I’m scared of losing you. I’m scared you’ll die while your at war. I’m scared you’ll find another girl while at war, and you’ll remember me, but you won’t love me. I’m scared you’ll fall in love while the guns are being shot and the bombs are going off. I’m scared that the distance will be too much for us. I don’t want to dear john you, I promised you that, I promised myself that. I’m scared that I’ll go to France and will fall in love with someone else, even though I don’t want to. Even though all I want to do is be with you. I’m scared of losing you.
Long distance relationships are hard. Not many can make it. I've heard the stories. Even my Mom has said that they are, damn near impossible to do. She admits that my dad and her would be having a hard time dong what we are doing. I hope we can, because I’m scared of losing you. And, I dont want to lose you. You opened a world up to me.You proved that there are good men out there. And now, I am scared of losing you.


I submited this to Le Love. I changed some words, took some out, added some. But this is the basic story I sent her. And it is completely true. I thought I'd post it because I did submit to her, whether or not she posts it, I dunno. I just barely sent it to her today. But it is mine, and it's my story. Its how I feel about my boyfriend. And it is completely true.

Candy

I'm thinking I am going to try making candy. I want to melt some chocolate and pour it in some bags and pour the chocolate into a bag and try to make little designs and wait for it to harden and then see if it turns into like chocolate candy. I haven't tried it yet. I need to buy some parchment paper so i can put the chocolate on that and so i might be able to peel the candy off. i dont want to look up how to do it. I want to try it myself. I'll take pictures and post them up and see how they turn out.

Im ambitious. if it works out, i might try my hand at something else. maybe sugar candy and dyes? maybe actual candy molds? If i have the talent and skill for it, it could turn into something else. something big? I dunno. Im excited to try it. Probably tomorrow. Not tonight though. I want to be wide awake and see how it goes. Maybe, faded candy can become more than just a blog? Oooo. I dunno. We'll see how this turns out.

I have always had a sweet tooth, and have always wanted to try my hand at it. And maybe, now that i have moved out, and i can try it, i might do it. It being whatever it might be. An online business? An extra source of income? Of course, there are tons more to a business than just making and selling, but anything is possible

This, is my faded candy cane right now.

Oh, and my boyfriend.
He is going to come back from basic training in December and wants to be back for Christmas but then he wants to be gone to Afghanistan or Iran or Iraq or wherever. And i am considering being an Au Pair in France next year. I have to apply and do all that stuff, and i might not make it, but I might. My relationship with my boyfriend is going to be stretched and twisted and torn and dragged and it'll be a hard time when he is gone and me potentially gone. or him gone and then coming back and then me leaving when he is coming back. The next two years will be difficult.

So i have two faded candy canes.
One that is good, and one that is not soo good.
Only time will tell how my two faded candy canes shape and taste and how they form.

Smoking

I don't smoke. I am fully against it. And yet I'm attracted to guys who smoke, my boyfriend smokes, this extremely cute guy I know smokes, my gay best friend smokes. At the end of a stressful day, I want to light up and smoke a cigarette. When I smell menthol cigarettes and I am attracted and want one so badly. It takes a lot of self control to not do it.

My teeth are already yellow from not brushing them when i was younger. I could blame that on my family and my situation and blah blah blah, but I won't. It happened and I now brush my teeth daily but that isn't always enough. I am not already physically fit, so smoking would not affect that.

So why don't I smoke? All signs seems to point to yes, but the fact that I need to budget to afford my place and I can't afford to smoke, literatly. I have a constant sweet tooth, so I like to consider that my addiction instead of smoking.

Some days I really want to light up. But I can't tell anyone that. I'm 18, living out on my own, the oldest of 4 kids, the first to attend college in my family, always have gotten good grades. I've really lived my life how i was supposed to do. I've always done what is expected of me. Is that bad? I dunno. In some ways, yes. In others, no.

I guess I don't smoke because I dont want to risk my health. I have a lot of predispositions to a lot of bad shit in my blood already. It's a constant fight some days. I usually ignore it, and that works really well. But at the end of a tough, hard, stressful day, I want to light up. I want to take a drink of alcohol.

I've always secretly wanted to try pot. But I am so predisposed to all that bad shit, that I'm afraid that if I do, I'll go down the whole and never get up.

I guess my fear is my faded candy cane. No, maybe I am a faded candy cane. Im here, minty, good, but faded for tons n' tons of reasons. I'm still edible. Still good. But I'm faded. I'm not bright and out there, I'm not broken. I'm not shattered. I'm just a faded candy cane.

My predispositions scare me. I have tons of bad ones. And I fight them, every day.

I feel like a bad girlfriend because i find this other guy irristably cute. He has this thing where he talks in different accents accidentally. He has like layered dark hair that always seems damp. His mother is dead, father in a prison. He hangs out with this other kid that I really dont like because I had to work with him and his work ethic was atrocious.

Maybe I just have a thing against people with bad work ethics. That really bothers me. And that is why i need a cigarette tonight. Funny thing is, I have never actually smoked a cigarette. I have been around it all my life. My parents quit a few years back, but then just recently i got with my boyfriend and he has tons of friends who smoke. And now look at me, he is gone (for basic training) and i really want one, after all that hassel of trying to help him quit.

Makes sense, right?

Well, I dont know if anyone will ever read this, or how important it is. I just know its how i feel and maybe someone out there will connect with me. I might get lucky. Maybe. I dunno.

Hey

I promise to try to keep this blog interesting and entertaining, but no guarantees. I am only 18, i work 30+ hours and go to college full time. I don't usually have free time but I'll try to write and update when i can.

Faded Candy Canes is the name of this blog because the one i wanted was taken for the URL and i wasn't about to have my blog title and my blog URL be completely different. Faded Candy Canes adds a mystical air to this.

I used to have a girl crush at girls state. I am completely straight, don't get me wrong, i have a boyfriend. But this girl just dazzled me. She was so comfortable with who she was, it was just shocking. She taught herself how to play the guitar. She could sing. She could rap. She had so many friends and so many people. She had an electric personality. She had long brown hair that just kinda strayed away from her face. She was loud and obnoxious but quiet and timid, no not timid, that's the wrong word, she was quiet but understanding, quiet but there, no, never not there, she just wasn't always the center of attention, but there was like a magnetic field that drew people towards her. She was my second girl crush.

Not that I ever did anything to her. I was way too shy for that, last summer. Summer 2010. Never had a boyfriend before that, never had a girlfriend before that. 16. never been kissed. none of that.

But not now, i have a boyfriend whom i think i love him. i say think because i am a thinking person. i dont usually do anything unless im sure of it (if given the time to think it over).

Like i just died my hair over the weekend. Some like, some hate it. I dunno how i feel about it. I kinda miss my dark chocolate hair, but i kinda like the lighter red. I figure it'll probably stay because i dont hate it, i just dont know if i love it. I wanted to do it all summer and finally got the guts up to do it.

Anyways, i think i love him. He is my first boyfriend, my second kiss, my first makeout session. First guy for me to stay out all night with. He opened a whole new world for me. I love him. I really think i do. Some days i feel like I love him, other days i think I do and others i just do love him. He's gone right now the Basics for the military.

Well, its not late, but i have HW to do, so Im gonna go do that. Good night.