here are the facts

here are the facts:

1. I am terrified of being left alone
2. I am terrified of the dark, any bit of it scares the hell out of me
3. There's a very dark side of me that i keep locked away and it almost got out tonight
4. I am broken, shattered, barely hung together, barely glued, stitched with old delicate yarn and its being ripped away, it looks pretty, looks like its doing the job, but nobody can feel the tearing, nobody can see the small strings.
5. i am emotional when stressed
6. i am always striving for the better, for some damn reason. I have a faith that there is a better thing in this life, and i dont know how to reach it. I feel like I am constantly climbing, constantly yearning, constantly working towards this, and i am always falling short. Screwing up. Making critical errors. Just doing the wrong thing, and it tears me up.
7. I have issues with people leaving me. I guess . . . i dont know the right word for it. i just have this unbreakable, unignorable fear that i will be left behind, forgotten like a young child's old toys. I have a fear of being tossed away, forgotten, left.
8. i have a fear of failure. critiscism. all that shit

Why am i devulging all of these secrets? to . . . you people, whomever you may be. i dont know. im stressed.
my fiance was sick all day, then decided out of the blue to go see his dad and go to our local Maverick. Well his dad was not home, and he decided he wanted to go to the local Pizza Hut but he didn't want it to be a waste, so he picked up some of our friends and payed . . . (well he wouldn't let me know) . . . and then decided he wanted to spend the night there. And now its 10 pm and i have a shit ton of homework to do and i am sleeping alone tonight.
it shouldn't bother me so much, but it does.
he hasn't worked for the past week, and rent is coming up. I dont know how the hell we are going to pay for it. not to mention i will get sued if i dont pay for my bridal dress and that is $610 by january 31st. rent is due by february 3rd. and i still have to buy a new tire. and yet, tonight, he insisted on spending his money to buy them all dinner, and yet, he was sick all damn day.
how does one go from hardly being able to move all day to being able to say up all night long and play video games in 20 hours?
im upset. but watch, within the next hour, i will discredit myself, and get mad at myself for being mad at him. it always happens. i feel ridiculous and i make excuses and reasons and . . . whatever the fuck else to make me not mad at him, and instead mad at myself and make me feel worse. its a vicious cycle and he doesnt know about it. and he doesn't have his phone so i can't talk to him.
he used the excuse of going away so i can get more homework done. but, i got my homework done today, and he was right there beside me. so what does that mean? he just wants to show off, socialize and leave me behind in his dust
maybe im just jealous. i decided to go to school, to work hard on something i may never have. every day i put myself through hell just for some better future that doesn't feel like is coming. thats what my whole life has been about. a better tomorrow. will the better tomorrow ever show up?
will it ever get here? will this hard work ever pay off?
i am just lost and confused. college and work is hell together and it doesn't feel like its doing any good at all. it sucks. i love being a student, i love working. but i HATE absolutely totally fucking hate HATE them together. they both cause nothing but pain when shoved together.

i am just afriad. terrified. i guess that should be my new name. Terrified. Scared-shitless. Chicken.
I have read that that makes you courageous or brave. they say that the thing about people who are brave is that they aren't afraid, because they are, but they face their fears anyways. they push forward. they shove on. they push and they dont let anyone see them tire, they go and go and go and go and go and go even when they dont think they can. are brave people really just survivors who refuse to give up? thats how i think i want to look at it. i probably wont, knowing me, but its kinda nice to see myself as brave instead of a chicken shit, a scared little girl who doesnt know anything.

i almost bought menthol cigarettes, but i want to always chose the better side. i have been called stuck up because of my beliefs and how i act. but i am not embarassed by it. i used to be mad, but my fiance said he loved that about me. i just believe in a better tomorrow. i believe in doing what is right, what is good. i believe in the light side. the brighter side of things. and i will fight myself for it. some days, the darkness comes in and wants to take over. but i can't let it. i have to fight for the brigther side. i have to fight to stay on the . . . the other side. i have seen what cigarettes do. i have seen what alcohol does. ive seen all the bad that comes from it. none of the good.

i am afraid that my fiance is trying to change me. i think he likes my good girl demeanor, but at the same time, he doesnt like it. he is always tempting me with the bad. and i already fell once. in a really bad way. i dont think i regret it. i wish i would have waited. i wish i could have trusted him not to do it, not to lose control. he promised me he wouldn't lose control and yet, he did. he was always telling me to trust him. i did and i lost it, and he lost control, even though he promised me he wouldn't. he said that we would wait until we were married. i wanted to wait. i really did. i am so damn disapointed in myself and in him. it hurts. nothing has changed, if anything, we are closer. but i wish i would have waited. it meant a lot to me to wait, and when i trusted him, he failed. and that hurts. i dont know what to do.

i guess, for tonight, those are the facts.

Wow

My apologies for not writing sooner. Lets just say 2012 has been hectic already. It started off horriibly.

My fiance came home (yay!!) but he fucked up New Years. I am a grudger. Do you know what a grudger is? No, its not this--> Not a person who is a super fan of all the Grudge movies. Well, maybe it is, but not in my case.
In my case its more like this:  Fuck you and leave me alone. I hold grudges very well, for a very long time. I have an extremely difficult time letting things go. Well, in my life, New Years is huge, the midnight kiss is HUGE BIG GIGANTIC etc. It's a big deal to me. I have never had a new years kiss. My fiance was supposed to my first. My first New Years kiss. Guess where he was at?
Not with me!!!!
No, he went to a New Years part. The thing is, earlier that day, I had asked him if we were going to spend it together, he said . . . . YES!! (did he mean it? Maybe. Was he there? NO!!) He told me he thought he would be back from the New Years party to spend it with me. But, ITS A NEW YEARS PARTY!! Are you really going to leave the NEW YEARS PARTY before New Years? 
Hahahahaha the really funny part is, he could have had me drove there. He was only like 15 minutes away, but, did he? NO.

Thankfully, I did not spend it alone. I spent it with a friend I haven't seen in a long time. It was nice, but, honestly, I wish i spent it with him.

I guess it could be my fault becuase I did not tell him how important it was to me. I just assumed that he would know, because I've only told him a million times that he is my first boyfriend. I thought that would mean that he would no i never had a kiss at midnight on new years.

Yeah, i whined. Im sorry if that is a waste of your time.
Oh, and my baby sister pretty much hated my gutz the first two days of New Years, so that ruined it for me.
But, my apologies for ranting and raving and whining.

It hasn't been all bad. My fiance has finally moved in with me :) and I got my books for this semester. Ive been fighting with doing it all christmas break. I finally decided, I am. And, the headache is starting behind my eyes.

Hey!
Nothing in life is ever easy.
I was told by a finacial aid lady this: If you have doubt, don't.
My responce (that i will not tell her to her face): BULLSHIT! If i followed that rule, i wouldnt be educated. Id be at home crying and being a helpless blob. I would be with my fiance, he wouldn't be working. I wouldn't have made friends. Doubt is tied into fear, and fear is what stops a lot of us

Primarily me. ME. ME. ME. ME. ME. ME. MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I am one chicken . Mhm, that's me. I am scared, all of the time.