Candy

I'm thinking I am going to try making candy. I want to melt some chocolate and pour it in some bags and pour the chocolate into a bag and try to make little designs and wait for it to harden and then see if it turns into like chocolate candy. I haven't tried it yet. I need to buy some parchment paper so i can put the chocolate on that and so i might be able to peel the candy off. i dont want to look up how to do it. I want to try it myself. I'll take pictures and post them up and see how they turn out.

Im ambitious. if it works out, i might try my hand at something else. maybe sugar candy and dyes? maybe actual candy molds? If i have the talent and skill for it, it could turn into something else. something big? I dunno. Im excited to try it. Probably tomorrow. Not tonight though. I want to be wide awake and see how it goes. Maybe, faded candy can become more than just a blog? Oooo. I dunno. We'll see how this turns out.

I have always had a sweet tooth, and have always wanted to try my hand at it. And maybe, now that i have moved out, and i can try it, i might do it. It being whatever it might be. An online business? An extra source of income? Of course, there are tons more to a business than just making and selling, but anything is possible

This, is my faded candy cane right now.

Oh, and my boyfriend.
He is going to come back from basic training in December and wants to be back for Christmas but then he wants to be gone to Afghanistan or Iran or Iraq or wherever. And i am considering being an Au Pair in France next year. I have to apply and do all that stuff, and i might not make it, but I might. My relationship with my boyfriend is going to be stretched and twisted and torn and dragged and it'll be a hard time when he is gone and me potentially gone. or him gone and then coming back and then me leaving when he is coming back. The next two years will be difficult.

So i have two faded candy canes.
One that is good, and one that is not soo good.
Only time will tell how my two faded candy canes shape and taste and how they form.

Smoking

I don't smoke. I am fully against it. And yet I'm attracted to guys who smoke, my boyfriend smokes, this extremely cute guy I know smokes, my gay best friend smokes. At the end of a stressful day, I want to light up and smoke a cigarette. When I smell menthol cigarettes and I am attracted and want one so badly. It takes a lot of self control to not do it.

My teeth are already yellow from not brushing them when i was younger. I could blame that on my family and my situation and blah blah blah, but I won't. It happened and I now brush my teeth daily but that isn't always enough. I am not already physically fit, so smoking would not affect that.

So why don't I smoke? All signs seems to point to yes, but the fact that I need to budget to afford my place and I can't afford to smoke, literatly. I have a constant sweet tooth, so I like to consider that my addiction instead of smoking.

Some days I really want to light up. But I can't tell anyone that. I'm 18, living out on my own, the oldest of 4 kids, the first to attend college in my family, always have gotten good grades. I've really lived my life how i was supposed to do. I've always done what is expected of me. Is that bad? I dunno. In some ways, yes. In others, no.

I guess I don't smoke because I dont want to risk my health. I have a lot of predispositions to a lot of bad shit in my blood already. It's a constant fight some days. I usually ignore it, and that works really well. But at the end of a tough, hard, stressful day, I want to light up. I want to take a drink of alcohol.

I've always secretly wanted to try pot. But I am so predisposed to all that bad shit, that I'm afraid that if I do, I'll go down the whole and never get up.

I guess my fear is my faded candy cane. No, maybe I am a faded candy cane. Im here, minty, good, but faded for tons n' tons of reasons. I'm still edible. Still good. But I'm faded. I'm not bright and out there, I'm not broken. I'm not shattered. I'm just a faded candy cane.

My predispositions scare me. I have tons of bad ones. And I fight them, every day.

I feel like a bad girlfriend because i find this other guy irristably cute. He has this thing where he talks in different accents accidentally. He has like layered dark hair that always seems damp. His mother is dead, father in a prison. He hangs out with this other kid that I really dont like because I had to work with him and his work ethic was atrocious.

Maybe I just have a thing against people with bad work ethics. That really bothers me. And that is why i need a cigarette tonight. Funny thing is, I have never actually smoked a cigarette. I have been around it all my life. My parents quit a few years back, but then just recently i got with my boyfriend and he has tons of friends who smoke. And now look at me, he is gone (for basic training) and i really want one, after all that hassel of trying to help him quit.

Makes sense, right?

Well, I dont know if anyone will ever read this, or how important it is. I just know its how i feel and maybe someone out there will connect with me. I might get lucky. Maybe. I dunno.

Hey

I promise to try to keep this blog interesting and entertaining, but no guarantees. I am only 18, i work 30+ hours and go to college full time. I don't usually have free time but I'll try to write and update when i can.

Faded Candy Canes is the name of this blog because the one i wanted was taken for the URL and i wasn't about to have my blog title and my blog URL be completely different. Faded Candy Canes adds a mystical air to this.

I used to have a girl crush at girls state. I am completely straight, don't get me wrong, i have a boyfriend. But this girl just dazzled me. She was so comfortable with who she was, it was just shocking. She taught herself how to play the guitar. She could sing. She could rap. She had so many friends and so many people. She had an electric personality. She had long brown hair that just kinda strayed away from her face. She was loud and obnoxious but quiet and timid, no not timid, that's the wrong word, she was quiet but understanding, quiet but there, no, never not there, she just wasn't always the center of attention, but there was like a magnetic field that drew people towards her. She was my second girl crush.

Not that I ever did anything to her. I was way too shy for that, last summer. Summer 2010. Never had a boyfriend before that, never had a girlfriend before that. 16. never been kissed. none of that.

But not now, i have a boyfriend whom i think i love him. i say think because i am a thinking person. i dont usually do anything unless im sure of it (if given the time to think it over).

Like i just died my hair over the weekend. Some like, some hate it. I dunno how i feel about it. I kinda miss my dark chocolate hair, but i kinda like the lighter red. I figure it'll probably stay because i dont hate it, i just dont know if i love it. I wanted to do it all summer and finally got the guts up to do it.

Anyways, i think i love him. He is my first boyfriend, my second kiss, my first makeout session. First guy for me to stay out all night with. He opened a whole new world for me. I love him. I really think i do. Some days i feel like I love him, other days i think I do and others i just do love him. He's gone right now the Basics for the military.

Well, its not late, but i have HW to do, so Im gonna go do that. Good night.