here are the facts

here are the facts:

1. I am terrified of being left alone
2. I am terrified of the dark, any bit of it scares the hell out of me
3. There's a very dark side of me that i keep locked away and it almost got out tonight
4. I am broken, shattered, barely hung together, barely glued, stitched with old delicate yarn and its being ripped away, it looks pretty, looks like its doing the job, but nobody can feel the tearing, nobody can see the small strings.
5. i am emotional when stressed
6. i am always striving for the better, for some damn reason. I have a faith that there is a better thing in this life, and i dont know how to reach it. I feel like I am constantly climbing, constantly yearning, constantly working towards this, and i am always falling short. Screwing up. Making critical errors. Just doing the wrong thing, and it tears me up.
7. I have issues with people leaving me. I guess . . . i dont know the right word for it. i just have this unbreakable, unignorable fear that i will be left behind, forgotten like a young child's old toys. I have a fear of being tossed away, forgotten, left.
8. i have a fear of failure. critiscism. all that shit

Why am i devulging all of these secrets? to . . . you people, whomever you may be. i dont know. im stressed.
my fiance was sick all day, then decided out of the blue to go see his dad and go to our local Maverick. Well his dad was not home, and he decided he wanted to go to the local Pizza Hut but he didn't want it to be a waste, so he picked up some of our friends and payed . . . (well he wouldn't let me know) . . . and then decided he wanted to spend the night there. And now its 10 pm and i have a shit ton of homework to do and i am sleeping alone tonight.
it shouldn't bother me so much, but it does.
he hasn't worked for the past week, and rent is coming up. I dont know how the hell we are going to pay for it. not to mention i will get sued if i dont pay for my bridal dress and that is $610 by january 31st. rent is due by february 3rd. and i still have to buy a new tire. and yet, tonight, he insisted on spending his money to buy them all dinner, and yet, he was sick all damn day.
how does one go from hardly being able to move all day to being able to say up all night long and play video games in 20 hours?
im upset. but watch, within the next hour, i will discredit myself, and get mad at myself for being mad at him. it always happens. i feel ridiculous and i make excuses and reasons and . . . whatever the fuck else to make me not mad at him, and instead mad at myself and make me feel worse. its a vicious cycle and he doesnt know about it. and he doesn't have his phone so i can't talk to him.
he used the excuse of going away so i can get more homework done. but, i got my homework done today, and he was right there beside me. so what does that mean? he just wants to show off, socialize and leave me behind in his dust
maybe im just jealous. i decided to go to school, to work hard on something i may never have. every day i put myself through hell just for some better future that doesn't feel like is coming. thats what my whole life has been about. a better tomorrow. will the better tomorrow ever show up?
will it ever get here? will this hard work ever pay off?
i am just lost and confused. college and work is hell together and it doesn't feel like its doing any good at all. it sucks. i love being a student, i love working. but i HATE absolutely totally fucking hate HATE them together. they both cause nothing but pain when shoved together.

i am just afriad. terrified. i guess that should be my new name. Terrified. Scared-shitless. Chicken.
I have read that that makes you courageous or brave. they say that the thing about people who are brave is that they aren't afraid, because they are, but they face their fears anyways. they push forward. they shove on. they push and they dont let anyone see them tire, they go and go and go and go and go and go even when they dont think they can. are brave people really just survivors who refuse to give up? thats how i think i want to look at it. i probably wont, knowing me, but its kinda nice to see myself as brave instead of a chicken shit, a scared little girl who doesnt know anything.

i almost bought menthol cigarettes, but i want to always chose the better side. i have been called stuck up because of my beliefs and how i act. but i am not embarassed by it. i used to be mad, but my fiance said he loved that about me. i just believe in a better tomorrow. i believe in doing what is right, what is good. i believe in the light side. the brighter side of things. and i will fight myself for it. some days, the darkness comes in and wants to take over. but i can't let it. i have to fight for the brigther side. i have to fight to stay on the . . . the other side. i have seen what cigarettes do. i have seen what alcohol does. ive seen all the bad that comes from it. none of the good.

i am afraid that my fiance is trying to change me. i think he likes my good girl demeanor, but at the same time, he doesnt like it. he is always tempting me with the bad. and i already fell once. in a really bad way. i dont think i regret it. i wish i would have waited. i wish i could have trusted him not to do it, not to lose control. he promised me he wouldn't lose control and yet, he did. he was always telling me to trust him. i did and i lost it, and he lost control, even though he promised me he wouldn't. he said that we would wait until we were married. i wanted to wait. i really did. i am so damn disapointed in myself and in him. it hurts. nothing has changed, if anything, we are closer. but i wish i would have waited. it meant a lot to me to wait, and when i trusted him, he failed. and that hurts. i dont know what to do.

i guess, for tonight, those are the facts.

Wow

My apologies for not writing sooner. Lets just say 2012 has been hectic already. It started off horriibly.

My fiance came home (yay!!) but he fucked up New Years. I am a grudger. Do you know what a grudger is? No, its not this--> Not a person who is a super fan of all the Grudge movies. Well, maybe it is, but not in my case.
In my case its more like this:  Fuck you and leave me alone. I hold grudges very well, for a very long time. I have an extremely difficult time letting things go. Well, in my life, New Years is huge, the midnight kiss is HUGE BIG GIGANTIC etc. It's a big deal to me. I have never had a new years kiss. My fiance was supposed to my first. My first New Years kiss. Guess where he was at?
Not with me!!!!
No, he went to a New Years part. The thing is, earlier that day, I had asked him if we were going to spend it together, he said . . . . YES!! (did he mean it? Maybe. Was he there? NO!!) He told me he thought he would be back from the New Years party to spend it with me. But, ITS A NEW YEARS PARTY!! Are you really going to leave the NEW YEARS PARTY before New Years? 
Hahahahaha the really funny part is, he could have had me drove there. He was only like 15 minutes away, but, did he? NO.

Thankfully, I did not spend it alone. I spent it with a friend I haven't seen in a long time. It was nice, but, honestly, I wish i spent it with him.

I guess it could be my fault becuase I did not tell him how important it was to me. I just assumed that he would know, because I've only told him a million times that he is my first boyfriend. I thought that would mean that he would no i never had a kiss at midnight on new years.

Yeah, i whined. Im sorry if that is a waste of your time.
Oh, and my baby sister pretty much hated my gutz the first two days of New Years, so that ruined it for me.
But, my apologies for ranting and raving and whining.

It hasn't been all bad. My fiance has finally moved in with me :) and I got my books for this semester. Ive been fighting with doing it all christmas break. I finally decided, I am. And, the headache is starting behind my eyes.

Hey!
Nothing in life is ever easy.
I was told by a finacial aid lady this: If you have doubt, don't.
My responce (that i will not tell her to her face): BULLSHIT! If i followed that rule, i wouldnt be educated. Id be at home crying and being a helpless blob. I would be with my fiance, he wouldn't be working. I wouldn't have made friends. Doubt is tied into fear, and fear is what stops a lot of us

Primarily me. ME. ME. ME. ME. ME. ME. MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I am one chicken . Mhm, that's me. I am scared, all of the time.

I dont have a name for this poem and it is long, but bear with me, please

~Nameless poem?~
I am emotionally scarred
I've been betrayed
Lost
Hurt
Emotionally unavailable
But slowly, slowly become emotionally able
to become emotionally available
letting go is difficult
it means letting people in
it means getting hurt
and broken
and burned
and scarred
and betrayed
It means experiencing new things
experiencing scary new things
And I'm not ready to let go
Let go of what's safe
Let go of what I know
I'm not ready
There's a part of me I keep locked down
There are 3 stages:
Emotionally
Mentally
And physically.
Physically able/ready is easy
It happens without our permission
Mentally is understanding and knowing the consequences
Emotionally,
now that is a tough one
its letting in
taking chances
its fear
and love
and faith
and courage
and you
you as person
all around
inside and out
You as you and just you
Emotionally is risky and dirty business
It's not easy, actually its far from it
I am emotionally broken
Scarred
Burned
Ripped
Toren
Emotionally diseased
That's what I am
I am terrified.
I do carve my own path, but only in what doesn't scare me
My path doesn't include most people
My path is safe
However, I will occasionally bump into people
And some, I keep with me
But most, most are just gone
and not worth it
there is too much at risk
I don't just meet people
I put all of me in it
All of who I am
Not just a tiny part of me
But all of me
I can't just give half of me
I don't function that way
It's all or nothing
I'll be loyal and mean (sometimes)
My morals, my values, my past, my future, my history
All of it is apart of me
and makes me me
And I put it forward, everday
I'm skittish and terrified
I'm hurt
NO!
I am constantly hurting,
constantly trying to ignore the pain and
make the best of every situation.
I can't let go
Not yet
I am too scared
Too tired of being hurt
Burned
Toren
Ripped
Broken
I shelter myself from the world
Is this bad?
Probably
But it is who I am
Accept it or don't.
I do care
I won't lie about that
It will hurt
But just understand
It is who I am
And if you can't accept me
Then what is the point?

I can't let go

I can't let go

You tell me to let go
To release it all
To not hold onto the pain
the fear
the agony
the memories
to let go of all of that
but, if i let it go
I am letting go of me
Those memories
The mistrust
the pain
the hope
the secretism
the optimism
all of that in which you want me to let go
that is me
You want me to let go
For a lil bit of physical joy
One in which I have not experienced
Because you are my first
And it scares
it is new and I don't want to go that far
With just anyone
You say you are not just anyone
But what if you are?
What if this is all just a living in the moment and not forever?
You want me to let go
But I can't let go
And you don't understand
I can't let go
I know you want me to
But I cant.
I'm sorry
I can not let go

Remember

Remember
Remember the feeling of the sun as it kisses your skin
Remember the slight breeze as it carresses you on a hot day
Remember that life is beautiful
That life is so easily taken away
Remember to worship your life
Because before long,
it's gone
and broken hearts will be left in its wake.
Remember to smile
To laugh
To love
To hope
To believe
To be childish
To dance when there is no music
To laugh when a joke isn't said
To smile when there is no reason
To hope when it feels hopeless
To believe when believing hurts
To be childish when things are taking a too serious of a turn
Remember life
Remember life isn't about who has the most money
About who has what and who doesn't
Remember that life is precious
Something meant to be held, coddled, protected and loved
Remember to stay strong
Because when the world is trying to tear you down
Only you can let it happen
Only you give them the power to tear you down
So remember that
Remember you can
You can succed
You can do whatever you put your mind to
But most importantly
Remember to never to forget the beauty
The beauty in life that is all around us
Just remember

The truth is . . .

I miss my fiance like crazy, but I am scared.
I am terrified that he is going to die.
The truth is . . .
I would rather him stay in AIT and be miles away from me
Then come home
Because
I know that when he comes home
Iraq, Iran, Arabie, Wherever
The war zone. It's waiting on him.
Calling out his name.
Seducing him.
Tightening its leash on his neck
Causing his heart to fall over
The truth is . . .
In 2012 he will be deployed
The truth is . . .
We dont know when in 2012
It could be January
It could be December
It could be July
We do not know when
The truth is . . .
I would rather him stay in AIT and be hundreds of miles away from me
I would rather have him keep the distance and be safe than have him home and be gone to war
And its not that I dont want him home
I want nothing more than that
But I am terrified of what might happen when he goes overseas
It's horrible.
I know.
But that's the truth
The closer the 15th comes
The more terrified i become
And the more
The more I'd rather keep him in Oklahoma
Not near me
But far away from war
It makes me want to cry
To ball my eyes out
To curl up in a ball and sleep for an eternity
The truth is . . .
I am terried of losing you

That the grim reaper will come claim your beautiful amazing soul
And steal you away from me, when i need you most.
The truth is . . .
Im scared of getting pregnant

Because I know you be sent away for up to two years
48 months
Deployed, sent away, whatevver, they mean the same.
You wont be with me
You'll miss his first steps
Their first words
The truth is . . .
I'd love to have your baby
Nothing would make me happier
And I know what a proud dad you would be

You would be an amazing father
So tentive
So caring, so good
This will be you-->
You will be the one rubbing my tummy
talking to our baby
If you are still here
the truth is . . .
Im terrified of what it will do to you if I do get pregnant
And then you get deployed
It will just destroy you
And I know it will kill you to be away from her
To miss everything while you are fighting to save this country
And the pathetic bad part is
My mom and dad Its okay for me to pregnant
They say that there are cameras and video tapes
To record all of his firsts
But that is not the same
It is completely different
And that's not the bad part
My parents think I'll pregnant within a year
And within this year you will be deployed
So
I guess the truth is
I am just absolutely scared
There I said it
I am scared out of my mind

And I am flying by the skin of my pants
Just barely hangin on.
Just barely here
THe truth is
I kind of want to just run away
And stop being me
THere
THat dirty secret has been said
And it is all because I am so scared
Scared of everything

And that, that is the truth
Sorry I dumped this here, it hasn't cleared my mind, but it is nice to get my fear off my chest. Thank you for listening :)

mind bogging, panic attack inducing

What kind of woman am i?
 or a ???????????

A career oriented woman, or one who follows my heart? And how do I know which I am?