I dont have a name for this poem and it is long, but bear with me, please

~Nameless poem?~
I am emotionally scarred
I've been betrayed
Lost
Hurt
Emotionally unavailable
But slowly, slowly become emotionally able
to become emotionally available
letting go is difficult
it means letting people in
it means getting hurt
and broken
and burned
and scarred
and betrayed
It means experiencing new things
experiencing scary new things
And I'm not ready to let go
Let go of what's safe
Let go of what I know
I'm not ready
There's a part of me I keep locked down
There are 3 stages:
Emotionally
Mentally
And physically.
Physically able/ready is easy
It happens without our permission
Mentally is understanding and knowing the consequences
Emotionally,
now that is a tough one
its letting in
taking chances
its fear
and love
and faith
and courage
and you
you as person
all around
inside and out
You as you and just you
Emotionally is risky and dirty business
It's not easy, actually its far from it
I am emotionally broken
Scarred
Burned
Ripped
Toren
Emotionally diseased
That's what I am
I am terrified.
I do carve my own path, but only in what doesn't scare me
My path doesn't include most people
My path is safe
However, I will occasionally bump into people
And some, I keep with me
But most, most are just gone
and not worth it
there is too much at risk
I don't just meet people
I put all of me in it
All of who I am
Not just a tiny part of me
But all of me
I can't just give half of me
I don't function that way
It's all or nothing
I'll be loyal and mean (sometimes)
My morals, my values, my past, my future, my history
All of it is apart of me
and makes me me
And I put it forward, everday
I'm skittish and terrified
I'm hurt
NO!
I am constantly hurting,
constantly trying to ignore the pain and
make the best of every situation.
I can't let go
Not yet
I am too scared
Too tired of being hurt
Burned
Toren
Ripped
Broken
I shelter myself from the world
Is this bad?
Probably
But it is who I am
Accept it or don't.
I do care
I won't lie about that
It will hurt
But just understand
It is who I am
And if you can't accept me
Then what is the point?

I can't let go

I can't let go

You tell me to let go
To release it all
To not hold onto the pain
the fear
the agony
the memories
to let go of all of that
but, if i let it go
I am letting go of me
Those memories
The mistrust
the pain
the hope
the secretism
the optimism
all of that in which you want me to let go
that is me
You want me to let go
For a lil bit of physical joy
One in which I have not experienced
Because you are my first
And it scares
it is new and I don't want to go that far
With just anyone
You say you are not just anyone
But what if you are?
What if this is all just a living in the moment and not forever?
You want me to let go
But I can't let go
And you don't understand
I can't let go
I know you want me to
But I cant.
I'm sorry
I can not let go

Remember

Remember
Remember the feeling of the sun as it kisses your skin
Remember the slight breeze as it carresses you on a hot day
Remember that life is beautiful
That life is so easily taken away
Remember to worship your life
Because before long,
it's gone
and broken hearts will be left in its wake.
Remember to smile
To laugh
To love
To hope
To believe
To be childish
To dance when there is no music
To laugh when a joke isn't said
To smile when there is no reason
To hope when it feels hopeless
To believe when believing hurts
To be childish when things are taking a too serious of a turn
Remember life
Remember life isn't about who has the most money
About who has what and who doesn't
Remember that life is precious
Something meant to be held, coddled, protected and loved
Remember to stay strong
Because when the world is trying to tear you down
Only you can let it happen
Only you give them the power to tear you down
So remember that
Remember you can
You can succed
You can do whatever you put your mind to
But most importantly
Remember to never to forget the beauty
The beauty in life that is all around us
Just remember

The truth is . . .

I miss my fiance like crazy, but I am scared.
I am terrified that he is going to die.
The truth is . . .
I would rather him stay in AIT and be miles away from me
Then come home
Because
I know that when he comes home
Iraq, Iran, Arabie, Wherever
The war zone. It's waiting on him.
Calling out his name.
Seducing him.
Tightening its leash on his neck
Causing his heart to fall over
The truth is . . .
In 2012 he will be deployed
The truth is . . .
We dont know when in 2012
It could be January
It could be December
It could be July
We do not know when
The truth is . . .
I would rather him stay in AIT and be hundreds of miles away from me
I would rather have him keep the distance and be safe than have him home and be gone to war
And its not that I dont want him home
I want nothing more than that
But I am terrified of what might happen when he goes overseas
It's horrible.
I know.
But that's the truth
The closer the 15th comes
The more terrified i become
And the more
The more I'd rather keep him in Oklahoma
Not near me
But far away from war
It makes me want to cry
To ball my eyes out
To curl up in a ball and sleep for an eternity
The truth is . . .
I am terried of losing you

That the grim reaper will come claim your beautiful amazing soul
And steal you away from me, when i need you most.
The truth is . . .
Im scared of getting pregnant

Because I know you be sent away for up to two years
48 months
Deployed, sent away, whatevver, they mean the same.
You wont be with me
You'll miss his first steps
Their first words
The truth is . . .
I'd love to have your baby
Nothing would make me happier
And I know what a proud dad you would be

You would be an amazing father
So tentive
So caring, so good
This will be you-->
You will be the one rubbing my tummy
talking to our baby
If you are still here
the truth is . . .
Im terrified of what it will do to you if I do get pregnant
And then you get deployed
It will just destroy you
And I know it will kill you to be away from her
To miss everything while you are fighting to save this country
And the pathetic bad part is
My mom and dad Its okay for me to pregnant
They say that there are cameras and video tapes
To record all of his firsts
But that is not the same
It is completely different
And that's not the bad part
My parents think I'll pregnant within a year
And within this year you will be deployed
So
I guess the truth is
I am just absolutely scared
There I said it
I am scared out of my mind

And I am flying by the skin of my pants
Just barely hangin on.
Just barely here
THe truth is
I kind of want to just run away
And stop being me
THere
THat dirty secret has been said
And it is all because I am so scared
Scared of everything

And that, that is the truth
Sorry I dumped this here, it hasn't cleared my mind, but it is nice to get my fear off my chest. Thank you for listening :)

mind bogging, panic attack inducing

What kind of woman am i?
 or a ???????????

A career oriented woman, or one who follows my heart? And how do I know which I am?