Smoking

I don't smoke. I am fully against it. And yet I'm attracted to guys who smoke, my boyfriend smokes, this extremely cute guy I know smokes, my gay best friend smokes. At the end of a stressful day, I want to light up and smoke a cigarette. When I smell menthol cigarettes and I am attracted and want one so badly. It takes a lot of self control to not do it.

My teeth are already yellow from not brushing them when i was younger. I could blame that on my family and my situation and blah blah blah, but I won't. It happened and I now brush my teeth daily but that isn't always enough. I am not already physically fit, so smoking would not affect that.

So why don't I smoke? All signs seems to point to yes, but the fact that I need to budget to afford my place and I can't afford to smoke, literatly. I have a constant sweet tooth, so I like to consider that my addiction instead of smoking.

Some days I really want to light up. But I can't tell anyone that. I'm 18, living out on my own, the oldest of 4 kids, the first to attend college in my family, always have gotten good grades. I've really lived my life how i was supposed to do. I've always done what is expected of me. Is that bad? I dunno. In some ways, yes. In others, no.

I guess I don't smoke because I dont want to risk my health. I have a lot of predispositions to a lot of bad shit in my blood already. It's a constant fight some days. I usually ignore it, and that works really well. But at the end of a tough, hard, stressful day, I want to light up. I want to take a drink of alcohol.

I've always secretly wanted to try pot. But I am so predisposed to all that bad shit, that I'm afraid that if I do, I'll go down the whole and never get up.

I guess my fear is my faded candy cane. No, maybe I am a faded candy cane. Im here, minty, good, but faded for tons n' tons of reasons. I'm still edible. Still good. But I'm faded. I'm not bright and out there, I'm not broken. I'm not shattered. I'm just a faded candy cane.

My predispositions scare me. I have tons of bad ones. And I fight them, every day.

I feel like a bad girlfriend because i find this other guy irristably cute. He has this thing where he talks in different accents accidentally. He has like layered dark hair that always seems damp. His mother is dead, father in a prison. He hangs out with this other kid that I really dont like because I had to work with him and his work ethic was atrocious.

Maybe I just have a thing against people with bad work ethics. That really bothers me. And that is why i need a cigarette tonight. Funny thing is, I have never actually smoked a cigarette. I have been around it all my life. My parents quit a few years back, but then just recently i got with my boyfriend and he has tons of friends who smoke. And now look at me, he is gone (for basic training) and i really want one, after all that hassel of trying to help him quit.

Makes sense, right?

Well, I dont know if anyone will ever read this, or how important it is. I just know its how i feel and maybe someone out there will connect with me. I might get lucky. Maybe. I dunno.